<< -- 2 -- Tess Crebbin DANGEROUS CELLI AT LARGE
Trying to find out where the kidnapper might be, the famiglia concludes that it must be someone who '... probably had a very traumatic experience with a cello in childhood and now suffers from cello-hatred.'
'Could be an opera cellist,' one of the cello-mafiosi suggests. 'They have traumatic cello-experiences every night.'
An opera cellist is found and interrogated, Cello-mafia style, but in the end it turns out that Black Beauty is not a kidnap victim nor dead: the devilish cello has absconded to some tropical island from where she plans to take over as the only and ruling cello and thus makes plans to kill all other celli anywhere in the world.
'No instrument with more than two strings dares to venture out after dark anymore,' the Cello Mafia gravely announces and calls on Star Wars' Darth Vader to the rescue. When he fails to deliver, the Mafia kills him off and devises another clever little plan: to take over the Oktoberfest in Munich and turn it into a massive cello-concert in the hope of attracting the evil cello and killing her before she can do any more damage. For this, they need more cellists and so the solution is easy:
Cello Mafia Godfather Enzo Gnocchi, alias Tobias Melle, to the audience: 'Look under your seats now and extract the celli that have been placed there. Now play them. It is easy. You have watched us do it for two hours so you should know how. Place the cello on your left shoulder, use your left hand to work the strings, the right arm moves the bow back and forth.'
The Cello Mafia
This leads to a gripping showdown, celebrated with free drinks for the audience. Once again, the Cello Mafia has done its work. If you need them, anywhere in the world, you just call out their names and they and their fearless celli will appear to come to the rescue of the downtrodden and oppressed celli anywhere, regardless of their cultural backgrounds, ages or make.
Copyright © 27 November 2004
Tess Crebbin, Germany