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Ask Alice, with Alice McVeigh

Classical music agony aunt ALICE McVEIGH
and the Rolex school of spam

Dear Alice,

Only you can help me!!!!!! I am the last remaining member of my family in Sierra Leone/Ivory Coast/Namibia. Tragically, jealousy and bloodshed have deprived me of most of my family's wealth in diamonds/gold/US dollars. All I have left is one-hundred-and-forty-thousand US dollars, a gold necklace studded with rubies, and just one eensy weensy Rolls Royce. All of these need to be kept safe for me, possibly forever, until things here sort themselves out.

I have heard of your great generosity/holiness/kindness, and I was wondering if I could deposit these articles of money etc with you? All I would need is your bank account details, including PIN number, secret code and mother's maiden name. I would not ask anything of you for this great kindness, and know you will look after everything for me. Please contact me immediately, not forgetting the account PIN!

Yours in desperation,
(incomprehensible African-sounding name)

Dear prat,

Cannot believe this scam is still running, as I alone must have received 92 million of them since getting computer-literate about ten years ago. Is it poss that anyone is still this stupid?????????

Please advise not, or I may be obliged to shoot myself,
Yours in equal and opposite desperation,

Ask Alice

Dear Alice,

Do you want a cheap Rolex?


Dear Chris,

No. There is no such thing as a free lunch, and no such thing as a cheap Rolex. If you mean to sell me a crappy imitation Rolex for approximately 100 pounds more than even IT is worth, then just say so.

Yours uncordially,

Ask Alice

Dear Alice,

Are you concerned about the size of your pen*s?
We can help! Our amazing pills/ointment/pen*s pull-overs/pen*s-extensions have 110% success rate with pen*ses! Just send 220 pounds, FREE POSTAGE AND PACKING, and watch your pen*s GROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Grace/Georgie/Felix/ from the Pen*s extension factory, Mandelay, Burma (Myanmar)

Dear all at the pen*s factory,

(Now I have got to be very careful here. The last time I moaned about receiving these kinds of emails Keithie told me that Music & Vision got about 40,000 porn ads and I got in deep trouble with ye editor ...)

Sadly, I am going to have to disappoint you. Grateful as I am for your help (not to mention free postage and packing, which is really above and beyond the call of duty, even for pen*s pushers) I have to admit that I am OVERJOYED with the size of my pen*s. Far from bothering me, it is a constant joy to me -- rendering it necessary for me to buy SPECIAL UNDERWEAR in order to contain it, as it is really more like a baby anaconda than anything else, and also boasts its own postcode.

Still, thanks for thinking of me, and all best,

Ask Alice

Dear Alice, (and NO I HAVE NOT MADE THIS UP!!!!!!!!!!! I ACTUALLY RECEIVED THIS ONLY THIS WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

At last a site where you can shop around for most wanted and needed items in your life. Our weapon section has a wide range of hard-to-find machine guns, silencers, armour-piercing ammos and others.

First of all, let's check our 3 top-selling items:

  1. Russian surface-to-air missle SA-14 'Gremlin' (upgraded analog of SS-16 'Strela') from our supplies in Kazakhstan. Due to high demand, it takes about 4 weeks to backorder that item. Weight is 10.2kg, lenght -- 1427mm. You can make a huge party and you can have tons of fun launching your 'Gremlin' with your buddies.
  2. Israeli bestselling submashine-gun 'Tavor' 5.56" (upgraded analog of 7.65" 'Uzi'), comes with 2 full clips of standart ammo + bonus one clip of armour-piercing ammo.
  3. Russian booby trap made in 5 versions:
    • a bottle of Jim Beam (200 grammes of C4 inside),
    • a can of Budlight beer (150 grammes of C4 inside),
    • a Barbie-doll (100 grammes of C4 inside),
    • a cell phone (50 grammes of C4 inside),
    • a lighter Zippo (25 grammes of C4 insid)
    You can take one with you to the school or college and have alot of fun with your buddies. Buy more than ten pieces of booby traps, and we upgrade C4 to C4+ for free. (C4+ can not be detected in airports or any other areas).

Also we have our Dutch-based shop where you can buy some drugs to make your life more wonderful and funny. We have wide selection of Ganzha, Crack, both synthetic and natural Heroin. And our prices are affordables for everyone.

If you want to buy anything from us, just visit our site, contact administrator and get full price-list. We accept all major credit cards, wire transfers and money orders. Please ask for details if you want to use Western Union or Moneygram money transfers.


PS Due to our government laws all items from our shop can be sold only to 18+ aged people. We can ask you for age verification before shipping. Just fax us what you want, promising us on word of honor that you are over 18 and these and much more can be yours ASAP.

Dear Jerry,

Frankly, my life is complicated enough, without wondering where exactly I would store a Russian surface-to-air missile without getting complaints from the neighbours, but what really worries me about your letter is that here you are, doling out Israeli submachine guns and (follow me closely here) YOU CANNOT EVEN SPELL SUBMACHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not to mention (or, as you would put it, mension) standard, affordable, a lot, inside etc. I mean, what are they teaching today's heroin-pushing, terrorism-inciting, bone-headed, murderous and violent gangsters in our schools????

Yours, dead worried,

Copyright © 12 November 2004 Alice McVeigh, Kent, UK




Ask Alice

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