THE MYSTERY OF THE MISSING OWNER OF BLACK CONCERT SHOES!!!!!

Will the OWNERS of the SIZE 9, MALE, BLACK, CONCERT SHOES left in the concert hall after our annual CHRISTMAS CONCERT please very kindly get IN TOUCH with me, ALICE McVEIGH, as I have had them in possession for several weeks and am inclined to give them to THE WORTHY POOR should nobody CLAIM THEM!!!!

PS (FROM ALICE'S CAPS LOCK: PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE CLAIM THESE SHOES BEFORE WE COLLAPSE UNDER THE STRAIN!!!!!!!)

Dear Alice (from Beyond the Veil)

I am Enid Blyton and would like to protest the use of my copyrighted 'Mystery of the' series in your last question. Allow me to point out that ANY of my usual suspects -- oops, I mean detectives -- would have in a MOMENT realised that the butler did it, alternatively the cook, or in the last resort someone else resolutely of The Lower Classes ...

Yrs, etc
E Blyton, deceased

Having recovered from the appalling excesses of Christmas and the accompanying musical torture in the form of carol concerts and piped festive atrocities in every shop since September, it occurs to me that we ought to rethink Christmas entirely.

As the UK becomes more and more secular, perhaps the church needs to consolidate its festivals to avoid the obvious dilution of Easter AND Christmas. This would also appeal musically as there is bugger all Easter music and far too much Christmas music.

My suggestion would be that we extend the nativity story as follows:

Baby gets born, wise men, gifts, angels etc etc. Roman centurion storms in, yanks baby from manger, smashes manger to matchwood, builds cross from matchwood, nails baby to it. Job done!

I can envisage some people taking offence, but think of the advantages:

1. All Christmas Carols would have to be rewritten to integrate this new twist, giving the old tunes a vital shot-in-the-arm.
2. Easter would instantly inherit a huge raft of ready-made music.

On the other hand, truncating the whole of the New Testament to a couple of hours would have even more tangible benefits.

1. Shorter church services
2. Less confusing and largely nonsensical dogma for the fundamentalists to convert into religious bigotry
3. Virtual eradication of Christianity and its juvenile teachings ...

What do you think?

Gloria

Dear 'Gloria,'

Lovely to hear from you again, despite the sordid fact that I know you to be, in fact, the violist Dave Griffiths, second (and much preferred) husband of my bestest friend Helen!!!!!

However, you will be sorry -- though not saddened, knowing you -- to learn that I disagree with every single one of your points above.

To take them in order, therefore:

• Listen, without Jesus' teachings, pratface, what would the point be of murdering Him? In other words, another murdered baby (along with all the others -- unnumbered -- whom Herod murdered in case one of them might be Jesus) would mean, er, exactly nothing.
• Secondly, you're undoubtedly right about the terrible dearth of decent Easter music, but that's a bit like Bernard Shaw moaning that the Devil gets all the best tunes ...
• Thirdly, I am cordially with you with regard to shorter church services. However, most church services now are less than one hour, and an hour a week seems a relatively low amount given to the Person who created Me. You, I'm not so sure about ... doubtless, in your case, an hour may seem overkill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yours, created on a good day,
Alice