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Ask Alice, with Alice McVeigh

Problems down at The Black Horse,
reported by Classical Music Agony Aunt ALICE McVEIGH

Dear Alice,

We at Topps Tiles in Orpington would just like to say that we're really going to miss you. We feel that these last few weeks, while you've had a new kitchen and new bathroom fitted, have brought us very close together.

Really, the boys were in tears when I said that you'd come for the last lot of tiles (the right ones, this time -- right???) yesterday while they were having their lunch break, though Mark did say that you probably would have under-ordered the amount for the fourteenth time and you'd be back tomorrow!!!!!!!!!! How we laughed!!!!!!!

No, but seriously, it always brought a smile to our faces to see your little ancient bright red car swinging up, and to hear you going ^^&*())$""!!!!!! I got the wrong tile/amount/style, and Bert is saddest of all, because, all thanks to you he can put on an American accent, which he likes doing when trying to pick up girls at The Black Horse.

We decided to have a whip round, so -- guess what!??!! -- we bought you a tile!!!! -- You remember, the ones you had to drive to Thornton Heath for, through Friday traffic, because we'd had a bit of a run on them.

So, here it is, for old times' sake!!!!!!!!!!

And hey, ya'll come back now, y'heah??
(That was Bert.)
All best wishes,
Shelley and the gang

Dear Shelley,

Thanks; you guys have been great, but the tiles we got are greyey-pink and the one you sent was pinky-grey!!!!!!!
Just like old times, right? Brought a tear to my eyes.


Ask Alice

Dear Alice,

We at MFI would like very much to thank you for the 954 coffees and 1542 teas which you so kindly prepared for us over the last two weeks. Steve also like the biscuits but Martin dint, because they were a temptation to him, and (as he told you 254 times) he is on a diet. (It's a very special, ten pint a night diet, down at The Black Horse.) Steve was also very grateful to you for listening so sympathetically to the story of his divorce (though he does wonder if your constantly banging your head on the Topps Tiles was doing them any favors, longterm). Best of all was the time when you got us cheese and bacon rolls from the bakery, though it DID rather spoil the effect when you slammed the door and said, "I need no banging, no buzz-saws and no CONVERSATION for at least ten seconds or I'm going to have a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Great sense of humour, you've got, ha ha!!!!!

And then the time when the loo was delivered in four jagged-edged pieces and your giant African landsnail started crawling the walls and you said you felt like doing that too!!!!!

Yeah, the boys really had a good time at 13 Oakwood Road.

Also wanted to thank you for the very large tip (Martin said you must have been pleased to see the back of us, it was so generous, ha ha!!!!) -- but Steve said you wasn't, because there was tears in your eyes and you said you would never be able to forget us.

Oh well, here's to the next time you want anything plastered over!!!!!
The MFI boys
By the way, you know there's a guy down The Black Horse who's a countryman of yours? Sounds just like you!!!)

Copyright © 2 March 2007 Alice McVeigh, Kent UK

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